I wore his rain jacket to stay dry. He kissed me goodbye, and in that moment I realized I was falling for him. I was my true self with him. I let go of my fears and insecurity.
He saw it in my eyes. He knew without me saying it.
And the next time I saw him, he broke up with me.
I’d never felt more confused. I was confident and secure in us. This man was intentional in his pursuit of me. I had no reason to believe he wasn’t falling for me, too.
I had so many questions. All I wanted to do was talk it out with him. I wanted to analyze every moment, every word, every experience we ever shared. I wanted to figure out what went wrong and where I misread the situation. I wanted answers.
But the relationship had no closure, no answered questions.
Through thoughtful prayer and the help of my community, I’ve realized true closure doesn’t come from my ex—it comes from Christ. He has been stitching my heart back together. He has healed me.
The black-and-white nature of our parting is God's grace at work. It meant there was no room for holding on to the possibility of a rekindled relationship. It meant I could move forward. It meant I could start a life where this person was a sweet memory, but no longer in my present.
I had to give myself time to grieve. Then I had to let go.
And it was really hard. I felt like I had been discarded, completely erased from the life of a man I truly cared about. No more good morning or goodnight texts. No more holding hands in the park. No more Seamless orders for two. I felt like I was back at square one. I couldn't help but cry out to God, and to truly lament to him in the pain:
Another heartbreak, Lord? Why did you let me hope only to take it away? I don't know what you are doing.
What I do know is that we live in a broken world. Things fall apart. It's no wonder breakups hurt—we aren't made for rejection. We are humans: messy, confusing, imperfect, incomplete humans.
This became very clear to me with the pain of my broken heart. I invested my time, my feelings, my heart to someone. I opened myself up to the possibility of mutual love. The truth is, while this man loves the Lord, he is not perfectly selfless or sacrificial. He—like me—is a sinner. Our relationship wasn’t right. Sin, shame, and fear crept in. I don’t need to know more than that we are broken and that God has a plan for something much greater. And, in fact, He is maturing me and readying my heart, not putting me back at square one.
I have a strong undercurrent of joy in all of this, sustaining me and giving me great hope. I've learned that as Christians, we should expect to suffer and feel pain sometimes. Our Father is the best kind of dad. Because He loves us, He may let us struggle—it's how we grow. This suffering also allows us to submit and turn back to God. Jesus Himself understands: He suffered far more than we ever will so that we won’t have to endure the kind of pain that He did.
God designed us to live life together for His glory. He knows we crave intimacy; that’s part of the way we are wired. Christ is showing me that true intimacy stems from a relationship with Him. I can rest easy knowing that Jesus walked on this earth as one of us, and He understands the longings we have for intimacy, approval, and affection. Rather than finding that in someone else, we must take delight in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).
I feel like God has reached down to me in all of this. He's cradled me in his comforting arms, reminding me that I am His beloved child and He will protect me no matter what. He's given me rest and time to really press into Him and His promises. He has brought loving friends around me to laugh, cry, and pray with me. They’ve demonstrated that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). God's character is steadfast and faithful, and He will never abandon us.
And by God's grace, He has given me a tender heart. I know my ex was just trying to do the right thing. I praise God for giving me a chance to be vulnerable—and then revealing just how much He loves me even when my fellow man falls short.
I am perfect, He whispers to me. My perfect love casts out all fear.
In fact, God himself is love. We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19). There’s such freedom in that. We don’t have to have perfect relationships, and we don’t need to find perfection in our significant others. We are all capable of love. The Lord teaches us how to love in His way.
As I look back, I’m grateful to have had this relationship. I learned what a Christ-centered relationship looks like, what I desire, and what I deserve. Now that it’s over, He is shaping my heart and bringing me closer to Him, preparing me for whatever—and whoever—is next. After all, God doesn’t make mistakes. He knows the plans He has for us. And that alone brings closure.